Baby, You Can Drive My Car!

Let’s start with an innocuous shot I call “4 flavors”. Given my diatribes earlier this season on traffic and motorcycles, I simply invite you here to look through the windshield with me and identify how many vehicles you see, and how many categories of vehicles you see. Oh, all right, and which one of them, according to our well-conditioned views of life, are heading in the wrong direction...

The answer in the first two cases should be “four”. We’ve got the “I can barely move anyway” truck, the three-wheeled orange cheap taxi thing I can’t spell or pronounce yet, the modern “I’m rich and comfortable in this hellhole and you’re not” SUV, and the “Ah yes, but I never have to stop” motorbike. And of course, the last answer should be "None of the above".

Now let’s add one more vehicle class to our list, note the increase in motorbikes, and ask ourselves how many lanes of traffic are allowed on this thoroughfare.

Did you identify the new vehicle class as “I can stop anywhere and everywhere I damn well please ‘cause I’m bigger than you, older than you, and publicly under-funded” autobus? Did you get the extra credit for observing the SIX “I never have to stop” motorbikes right behind it? Did you correctly answer “as many as we can fit” to the traffic lanes question? SUPER! I thought you did!

Now let’s begin our Driving Lesson. Out of sight up ahead, “I can stop anywhere” has. “I can barely move anyway” isn’t. And IS about three feet from the so-called curb. This allows five “I never have to stops” not to. You’re behind the truck. A. Do you wave the motorbikes forward and smile beneficently? B. Do you test physics by blocking those three feet? C. Do you listen for the Mullahs and Imams to call you (and everyone else) at roughly 6:00 PM (it IS roughly 6 PM) and invite you to break your fast, stopping everyone from moving anywhere and bringing swarms of sidewalk cart-vendors to your window (ALL your windows)?

Correct. B. And if at first you don’t succeed…

Look how much good you’ve accomplished!!! You’ve inched closer to “I can’t move anyway”, proven Einstein’s theory of “I never have to stop, and if you try I’ll produce more of me”, and increased the number of legal lanes (note the euphemistic ‘sidewalk)’. The wonders of a community effort! It does take a village after all.

Aw forget it. Let’s just sit here and wait for the Imams to tell us we can eat. If that “I never have to stop” did, so can we.

A little later, let’s look to the right. Now, THOSE animals have the right idea… and so does that guy in there.

Or maybe those animals are waiting for a chance to cross the street and get to this wondrous feast on my left…

That’s not MY DDs bag! Oops. We’re moving again. Here’s the question: in the pic below of the dueling “I never have to stops” and adolescent bipeds… where does the road end and the sidewalk begin?

Did you say “It doesn’t”? CORRECT! SUUUUUUper!

The questions get tougher here. You come to a traffic light. Examine the intersection. It’s hard to see across because of the “I never have to stops”, but… 1. If you want to go straight, how do you do it? Better start planning now… 2. Observe the traffic turning right (British system) at the same time as the left-lane oncoming traffic oncomes… is this legal?

Answers 1: all of the above. 2. Of course it is! Any taxi driver will tell you that “laws in Indonesia exist to be bought.” Next question. Still at the intersection (note the red light), how many right turn lanes are there? And what is the “I never have to stop” in front of you doing?

Correct! “As many as you want there to be,” and “not stopping”! You’re getting the hang of this. Oh, forget about it. Let’s just all go now. Who says we can’t! Red light schmed light!

Ahh! Look at that! Now we can go straight. (Question: how did THAT happen????)

Answer: “That’s Indonesia”. Now. The man standing in the door of the moving “I can stop anywhere” is deciding where he wants it to. He has approximately 3 lanes of “I never have to stops” and “I’m rich and comfortable in this hellholes” to his left,

And approximately 4 lanes of all and sundry in front of him.

Which option do you think he chose? And what was the result?

Correct, but sadly, there is no photo record of his decision. Well, that’s it for the quiz! It’s clear you’ve passed, but do you wish to choose your own vehicle now, or would you rather join me in a chorus of “Baby you can drive my car!”??? And for those of you who really know me and are snickering that I should feel right at home here, I have a wish just for you involving the fleas of a thousand camels…